I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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