I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
