You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
