She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize