Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
