I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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