So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
