i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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