What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
