they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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