Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
