HIV tests are more positive than that guy
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
