I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
