Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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