i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
