remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
