Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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