no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
