I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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