You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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