Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
