Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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