Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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