how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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