I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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