Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
