I met the friendliest cop last night
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
