I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
