so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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