just come out here and I will go home with you...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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