i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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