I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
