Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
