i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
