dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
