The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
