life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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