I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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