Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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