Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize