mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
