Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
