There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
