i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I touched a dick in church today
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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