i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Couch. On fire.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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