Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
