I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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