i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
