Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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