It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
