Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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