I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
