I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
