Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my poor anus
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize