I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
