Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
