I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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