so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
