you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
