You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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