If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
