Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
