Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
