That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Drake has all the answers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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