Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
