i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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