Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize