I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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