Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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