dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
