I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
