dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
