I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize