my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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