Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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